Monday 28 June 2010

Never mind, we did win the cricket....

The moment when painting your face for the triumphant 
pub crawl suddenly becomes a really bad idea

I’m not really one for football – in fact, I avoid it at all costs – but even I got sucked into the game yesterday. (Of course, now I wish I hadn’t.) Good lord, it was BRUTAL, wasn’t it? Humiliation heaped upon humiliation until Germany’s sheer competence at scoring goals just seemed rude. Talk about kicking us when we’re down. 

Sadly, though, we were rubbish. Even with the knowledge that I haven’t kicked a football since I was about eight, I felt that I could do better than the team whose members all earn what would be a hefty yearly salary for me, every week. (Sadly, my outrage could only be appeased by addressing the television with some rather unladylike language.)

Referee Jorge Larrionda has at least appeared to be mortified by his appalling mistake and has admitted what anyone with half an eye could tell – we DID score a second goal. (It’s easy to say “It wouldn’t have helped, anyway” but it was clear that our players (and commentators) had given up at least 25 minutes before the end of the game.) However, the ludicrous refusal on the part of FIFA to bring in “goal-line technology” is supported by Larrionda. He has previously been quoted as saying “I hope I never see the day when technology arrives that can help or replace the job I do.” (Right now, Larrionda, a blind halfwit could do your job and surpass you with ease.)  

Despite my new found enthusiasm for the beautiful game, I generally prefer to get to the mall when sport is on TV. Chatting with some friends the other night (thanks, Lola and Ivonne!) we realised that shopping makes a pretty good alternative to footy, and should culminate in “The World Shop”. The scoring of a goal, of course, would be the moment you pay for your goods. Security guards are referees, and defence is often found in the form of people with pushchairs who settle themselves in front of the sale rack (elbows at the ready!) After scoring a goal, we do not indulge in sweaty bear hugs but instead bestow elegant air kisses and congratulations on the purchaser of a new garment. 

And while we’re waiting for the Olympics to recognise our bargaining skills, let’s make it a rule that England’s footballers get a pay cut – until they actually win something.

Thursday 24 June 2010

Cheating? You'll never catch me doing that...


                Read between the lines, buddy!                      

As my last posting was somewhat epic (and trilogies of news related to either Xtina or Lady Gaga are not everyone’s cup of tea) here’s a (relatively) quick one for you. We’re used to odious little men who cheat on their wives featuring heavily in the news, but Chris Huhne deserves an honourable mention for his sleaziness. 

The Liberal Democrat Energy Secretary (who happens to be a multi-millionaire) recently announced that he was leaving his wife for his mistress. 

Back in October 2007 (when MPS and rent boys were the scandal du jour) he informed us “I'm very comfortable with my life, so nothing like that will emerge.” 

Did nobody notice the extraordinary way he worded this statement? He might as well have said “You will never catch me doing that.” Cocky little chap, isn’t he?

In a way, it’s comforting to know that human beings generally are quite rubbish at lying. Not only do we fidget and find it difficult to look someone in the eye, but often can’t quite bring ourselves to say the damning words. 

Interestingly, a quick perusal of “How to spot liars” websites informs me that liars will often use sarcasm; “Oh yes, of course I’m cheating on you. I have sooo many other women!” – probably because it’s easier to actually say the words when they are true. 

Poor old Bill Clinton always pops up as an example; his famous “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” is often used to illustrate how liars like to distance themselves from the subject as well as actually include the true words within the sentence. 

So just in case you know a budding Minister for Hypocrisy, I’d advise caution when you hear the following:

  • You’ll never see me acting like that!
  •  I hate liars! (they always say this.)
  • Why would I lie about this?
  • Don’t you trust me? (If they had to ask, the answer is clearly "no".)
  • To be honest / to tell you the truth...
  • I did not do that (weird but true, forensic interrogators say that truth tellers would just say “didn’t”.)

And as always, when a man says he doesn’t want to get married, it means he doesn’t want to marry YOU. Pity the fool and fuhgettaboutit.

Wednesday 23 June 2010

Who’s the flyest bitch of them all? Never mind, I am.

Frankly, if anyone was bionic, it’d be Xtina.

Christina’s last studio album Back to Basics was released four years ago. An illustration of her love for all things retro, an entire track was devoted to referencing her favourite vocalists from yesteryear (Aretha Franklin and Marvin Gaye among many others). It has become fashionable to “namecheck” inspirations, but while other starlets wear ruby lipstick and sport peroxide curls, Ms Aguilera went all the way in her emulation of a 1950s babe. Burlesque troups all over the world will have perfected their routines to Nasty Naughty Boy, while Candyman was ridiculously nostalgic fun. With lyrics laden with innuendo and a lascivious confection of horns, it was tongue-in-cheek and one of the most unusual and daring song styles to have emerged in recent years.

In a typically drastic departure from her past style, Ms Aguilera has chosen a futuristic theme for her new album.
I really went into this record wanting it to be a fun and playful experiment, she says. Being a new mom, I'm seeing things differently through my son's eyes... it's almost like getting to also be a kid again.

(I’ll say. Curiously for her first album with the parental advisory “Explicit” label, parts of this album feel as if they are aimed at 8 year old girls who like to make up chants in the playground.)

Producer Tricky Stewart stated Christina wants music that you haven't heard before... so you're trying to create an entirely new sound for an artist.” Indeed. I believe there may come a time when record shops will need to create a new category simply named “Aguilera” in order to catalogue her work, because she sure isn’t neatly slotting into any pigeonholes.

The new album features collaborations with Sia, Goldfrapp, Ladytron and Le Tigre.  Xtina also told fans on her website “I was heavily inspired by Prodigy when I was fifteen years old.” Who knew?

She cites characteristically feminist reasons for her new sound. “As women, our bodies go through such amazing things and we are superhuman. We give life, we give birth, we are our child’s source of everything.... I think it’s pretty super human, and that’s where the inspiration for Bionic came from.” 

The album kicks off as it means to go on, with synthesized, electronic sounds and distorted vocals. Just in case we have any doubt about who is the queen of pop, she points out “Many times imitated, not duplicated; can't be replaced....” 

This hypnotic rhythm of the title track may not be for everyone, but is does sum up the new sound. And I do believe that the line “Over and over put it on replay til you’re insane,” is prophetic. This song is definitely a grower.

The first verse of Not Myself Tonight is weirdly un-tuneful, but the song soon gets into standard dancefloor territory.  (I have a horrible feeling this is going to be played on many a hen night.) Sadly, I found the video kind of boring. Oh look, it’s Xtina in PVC, kissing a girl. Yawn....  (If she wants to shock people, why doesn’t she just dress as a cowgirl and release a country album? I’d buy it!) 

I love the opening bars of Woohoo; it feels like a cross between a fairytale and a futuristic computer game. I’d have liked more weird stuff like this (future concept album, pretty please?) but they go and ruin it with the vocals. The titular “Wohoo” is irritating, like a toy which keeps squeaking because the dog is chewing it. Xtina is joined by US rapper Nicki Minaj, and their lyrics are naughty enough that you’ll be thankful that most of them would be unintelligible to the casual listener. This album ain’t for kids!

Miss Aguilera continues with her Madonna/Gaga/Gwen Stefani style with Elastic Love. It seems she’s been reading up on Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as she helpfully explains of her lyrics “rubber band was an analogy”. She continues the stationery theme with comparisons to a ruler, pencil, paperclips, sharpener and stapler. (Yes, really.) 

Desnudate (which translates to something along the lines of “naked”) is one of my least favourite songs, it’s kind of repetitive and boring. It seems like pointless filler to me, but judging from all the sex noise, perhaps she included it in the album because it has some kind of “personal resonance...” 


Now Christina, I loves ya, but what’s with calling us bitches all the time? It’s as if the album was written by a teenage girl who has just decided it is cool to call her friends “Bitch” and does so at every opportunity (whether if fits into a line of a song, or not). The Vogue tribute, Glam, is a song about getting ready to go out – I would mention Lady Gaga’s Fashion, here  but I’m afraid it would only cause trouble... Nonetheless, the backing track for this is almost identical to many a Gaga tune. This distinctive sound continues in Prima Donna (I found this a little disappointing with my first listen – it sounds too generic but it’s growing on me.) (ETA: Now it's one of my faves. Isn't that always the way?)

Christina’s famous appetite for sex goes into overdrive with Morning Dessert and Sex for Breakfast; at least they sound pretty to me, unlike some of her more “urban” efforts. 

Thankfully she goes back to basics with Lift Me Up, which simply showcases her beautiful voice. The album effectively splits at this point, illustrated with a short track of her little boy. (It is extremely cute, but how embarrassing for little Max when he is a teenager and finds his two-year-old voice sandwiched between his mum singing odes about his father’s sexual prowess. All together now; eew!) 

Sia’s influence is all over All I Need; Christina’s vocals aren’t fussy any more, they are more grown-up and mature. This is just a beautiful, simple song; a woman, as opposed to a pop star. 

I Am is hypnotically magnificent and I cannot stop listening to it.  The same goes for You Lost Me, another gorgeous Sia-esque song. I’ve never heard Xtina’s vocals quite like this before. It is amazing, and may well send shivers down your spine. 

On her website, the singer describes part of her album as “more in touch and comfortable with my initial pop route... but in a much more sophisticated and mature manner.” This is illustrated with I Hate Boys. (See, I told you she was more sophisticated.) This is one of those songs that will be picked up by tweens who will love singing the line “I hate boys, but boys love me...” 

 Likewise they are bound to enjoy My Girls. However, it’s a bit of a weird and pointless song, seeming to exist only to namecheck the women on the album. 

The first time I heard Vanity I almost keeled over at the lyrics; It opens with “I’m not cocky... I just love myself... bitch!” and continues in the same vein. But now I am fairly sure it is just a tongue-in-cheek song that is meant to make you laugh. Unfortunately it also serves as anthem for the entitlement generation; I suppose that’s still better than the self-loathing encouraged by women’s magazines. I do appreciate the fact that Xtina is trying to be a positive influence on the way women think about themselves. I’m just not sure that emulating a blow up doll is the most empowering thing we can do for ourselves.

If you buy the Deluxe version of the album (and why wouldn’t you, bitch? Dammit, she’s got me saying that now) you will be the proud owner of 5 bonus tracks:

Monday Morning feels like an early Madonna track. Which is sort of fitting – with a small child, it seems inevitable Aguilera will be drawn to the sounds of her childhood, and being a child of the 80s, she probably grew up singing along to a fisherprice tape recorder with a cassette of True Blue, just like the rest of us. Unfortunately she goes and ruins a perfectly nice, melodic song with a bit of playground style chanting, and the inevitable “soda pop!” lyrics. Why is this album aimed at 12-year-olds? 

For all my complaining about certain tracks, after listening to this album I immediately wanted to hear it all over again. I think this is a good sign. However, I can count the number of times I will voluntarily listen to Bobblehead, on one hand, and I’ve used them all up. This is truly awful. But then again, maybe kids will like Aguilera’s imitation of an airhead who just doesn’t “get it.”And I can think of worse lyrics for them to sing along with than “I know you got a brain why don't you use it?”

Xtina goes for a slightly Arabic flavour on the ominous sounding Birds of Prey. (Could this be the theme for her next album? If we ask nicely?) It's quite dark lyrically: “They watch and they feed / they take what they need / they bite as you bleed...” It seems that the more people wrong her, the more she bounces back; Stronger than Ever continues this common theme of her work with powerful vocals   no messing around with fiddly bits or electronica.

The stripped version of I Am is stunning in its simplicity; It makes me wish the whole album could be like this – but of course, she wouldn’t be where she is today if she didn’t experiment wildly...

On her last album, Xtina’s song Still Dirrty reassured us (lest we were unduly worried) that despite dressing in a ladylike manner, she still had the same fierce sexuality which influenced her Stripped album. Apparently she’s not sure if we got the message, because this album is saturated and dripping with sex. Why SO obsessed? Her album art shows her blindfolded and topless, “bottomless” but for a cartoon of a kitten (seriously?), and Xtina doing her very best impression of a blow up doll. It’s kind of... tiresome. If only she could get the message that sexuality doesn’t have to be in the one dimensional style of a German sex shop. 

If I sound harsh, it’s because I expect a lot from Ms Aguilera, and I know she can take the criticism! So despite my minor quibbles, (and they really are minor) it’s great to have Christina back. At this point in her career, she has nothing to prove  we all know she is easily the best vocalist of her generation, and possibly in the history of the world so she CAN experiment and have fun with different styles. 

Can’t wait to see what’s next!

Thursday 17 June 2010

The Gaga Saga continues....

The haircuts alone definitely count as a sin
        
Lady Gaga’s new video premiered last week and it is, as always, an interesting watch. (But not one to enjoy with grandma or the kids, I hasten to add.)

It features soldiers in fishnets and heels, and some frankly disturbing cavorting on what look like hospital beds. Gaga pays tribute to Madonna with, among other things, a backdrop of wooden crosses and flames. Is she Joan of Arc? A crusader? Or just a really big supporter of the England football team?

It’s clear there is more than a nod to Cabaret; hints of Madonna also lurk in every corner. One of the reasons Gaga makes such an interesting performer is that she uses her videos as opportunities to play a role, not just flog her wares. Thus she gets to do her very own take on Evita... or whoever else she damn well likes.

Are those soldiers meant to be Nazis? Is the riot footage shown towards the end of the video representative of the Stonewall riots? So many unanswered questions, so many internet dwellers volunteering their opinions.

One person who evidently isn’t a fan of Lady Gaga’s rosary-swallowing performance is the usually good-humoured Katy Perry, best known for a) being a “backslidden” preacher’s kid, and b) her debut single, I Kissed a Girl. Hours after the Alejandro premiere she twittered “Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.” (Shamelessly exploiting pseudo-bisexuality for record sales is fine, obviously.) We can only hope the former pal of Gaga was being ironic; her fiancé Russell Brand has been vocal about her flatulence. Judging from the quality of his work thus far, it figures, really.

Is the video blasphemous? Director Steven Klein (photographer extraordinaire and A-list collaborator) defends himself, "The religious symbolism is not meant to denote anything negative, but represents the character's battle between the dark forces of this world and the spiritual salvation of the Soul. Thus at the end of the film, she chooses to be a nun, and the reason her mouth and eyes disappear is because she is withdrawing her senses from the world of evil and going inward towards prayer and contemplation." He also claimed Gaga’s rosary scene represents "the desire to take in the holy." (Sounds like meaningless waffle to you and me, of course, but in LA this little speech very nearly makes him a theologian.)

In May 2010, Gaga told The Times about the concept of the video: "It's about the purity of my friendships with my gay friends, and how I've been unable to find that with a straight man in my life. It's a celebration and an admiration of gay love – it confesses my envy of the courage and bravery they require to be together. In the video I'm pining for the love of my gay friends – but they just don't want me to be with them."

So far... so likely to upset the Catholic church.

But wait... What’s that, Gaga?

“I recently had this… miracle-like experience, where I feel much more connected to God.”

Caitlin Moran, who was charmed by Miss Germanotta and her cheerful cries of “I’m just going to pee through my fishnets!” questioned what kind of beliefs she had – Catholic, or the more generic label of “spiritual”?

“More spiritual... I don’t want to say much, because I want it to stay hidden until it comes out – but I will say that religion is very confusing for everyone, and particularly me, because there’s really no religion that doesn’t hate or condemn a certain kind of people, and I totally believe in all love and forgiveness, and excluding no one.”

Sadly, sometimes it seems as if she is right. No matter how many times Jesus said “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” it hasn’t quite sunk in yet.

Reading this, I started thinking; Who is closer to emulating Jesus? A ranting, placard bearing, foaming-at-the-mouth hater of homosexuals, or someone who accepts everyone, and uses their considerable power and influence to embrace those who tend to get left behind by society?

I’ve never quite understood why sexual “sins” get people more riled up than any others. If we decide to live by the strict rules of Leviticus, why is homosexuality so much worse than thieving, or disrespecting our parents, or not wearing a head covering? Why aren’t there any protest groups against adultery? Do “Christians” just like bullying easy targets? The Bible specifically condemns homosexuality 5 times; twice in the Old Testament and three times in the New. (There's actually a growing belief that the word used translates not to "gay sex" but "gay rape" which I think we can all agree should be condemned.) In comparison, the sin of adultery is denounced 52 times; hatred gets 21 mentions, lying 30, greed, avarice and covetousness 40, murder 57, self-righteousness 79 and idolatry 169 times.

So it’s lucky for all of us that “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Jesus’ followers have always been a rag tag and bobtail bunch. (Check out your local church – you will find more than your fair share of weirdos.) If he were here now, who would he be hanging out with? The people who have been rejected by society, guaranteed.

Maybe we need ANOTHER remake of JC Superstar, with the full repertoire of hookers, transvestites, abortionists and pole dancers. Not to mention those who work for the Inland Revenue (some things never change).

Jesus told the Priests in the temple “Corrupt tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the Kingdom of God before you do,” and made it very clear that only those who have never sinned in their lives (ie, none) are qualified to make judgements on anyone else. So there.

On a lighter note, our lady of pop enjoyed an education at New York's Convent of the Sacred Heart Catholic school. She says “It's interesting because I think everyone assumes that because I went to such a religious school, perhaps they don't appreciate what I'm doing now. But it is quite the opposite. I got a really solid education, in particular how to analyse art, how to make art. So if anything, my teachers are sort of nodding their heads and saying, 'She did a good job of using her artistic abilities to really create a new kind of pop.'"

She may also take solace from the fact that in the 16th century, Michaelangelo was vilified for daring to sculpt nudes for display in churches, and earned the nickname "inventor delle porcherie" (inventor of obscenities). You’re in good company, Gaga.

Saturday 12 June 2010

Battle of the blondes?


Is showbiz really the hotbed of bitching and backbiting that we read about? Or is the media machine just determined to create rivalries between women who have the misfortune to have the same hair colour and profession? Gossip columns can’t get enough of the fact Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera have the same, er, fringe.

When asked what she thought about the comparisons with Gaga at the launch of her career back in 2008, Aguilera told the LA times "This person was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman... I really don’t spend any time on the internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect."

Perhaps casting aspersions Gaga’s gender was a little catty (and illogical – the clue’s in the name), but it must be galling to be accused in various photo stories of copying a look that you had several years ago, even if you haven’t been seen since. Christina was not the first singer to rock the peroxide look, and she won’t be the last. You don’t hear Jean Harlow complaining, do you?

(Of course, there is always a chance that Aguilera genuinely "wasn't sure" – those rumours had been doing the rounds, and I'm sure the last thing she wanted was to refer to Gaga as "she" and instantly have the world's media laughing at her and saying "Get back to your rocking chair, Grandma! Hermaphrodites are where it's at now")

Lady Gaga diplomatically responded that the comments had a positive effect. "Well, it was very flattering when it happened. She’s such a huge star and if anything I should send her flowers, because a lot of people in America didn’t know who I was until that whole thing happened."

Gaga, who dyed her hair blonde in order to avoid confusion with another unruly star, Amy Winehouse, has previously cited her influences as Madonna, David Bowie, Grace Jones, and Freddie Mercury, among others. She has also written for Britney Spears, who she calls "The queen of pop," and mentions "Britney's a real class act in terms of the way she handles herself in the media and embraces new artists. She's always really kind, I've always admired that about her." Let’s hope this wasn’t a barbed comment towards another ex-mousketeer?

Miss Aguilera delicately pointed out in a radio interview in Atlanta, "I’ve been around for over a decade and I think my work speaks for myself. There’s a bigger picture out there. I’ve got my son, my family, my work."

She drove the point home, saying she "Loved" the latest batch of newcomers, saying they were risk-takers. "They’re doing things that aren’t so safe. … I always had the guts and passion to do things like that. … I’m happy to see that people have come full-circle and are now accepting it and are into it and these girls have the guts to do it."

Phew. Crisis averted. (Even if it did involve pointing out "I did it first!") Then in a recent interview, with Out, Aguilera carefully fielded questions: "Oh, the newcomer? I think she’s really fun to look at."

It seems that even this comment was enough to threaten a media eruption, as Xtina felt the need to pen a note to fans on her website.

She stated categorically "I have absolutely nothing against Lady Gaga or any other female artist in this business. I think she is great, and I appreciate any woman fearless enough to go against the norm. She has earned her success with hard work and a clear focus and I have nothing but respect for that."

She ended her note with the words "Can’t hold us down…." A reference to her 2003 single which also featured the message "This is for my girls all around the world, who've come across a man who don't respect your worth, thinking all women should be seen, not heard. So what do we do girls? Shout louder!"

Indeed, Christina has long been vocal about the need for women to support each other."One of my main goals is to try and help women to love each other. I think it's really sad women seem to feel the need to be so competitive and jealous and threatened."

She has also never been shy about speaking her mind – see previous “feuds” with Mariah, P!nk and Eminem. Her frustration with the media is evident in the note, which added "It is very easy for comments to be taken out of context and create unnecessary drama-especially between us women."

It seems that any talented singer must be stacked up against others until a "rivalry" develops – goaded by interviewers determined to produce a quote (preferably derogatory) from one starlet about another.

When Ms Aguilera burst onto the scene with her debut single Genie in a Bottle back in1999, she was instantly compared with pop "rival" Britney Spears. Why not? They were both young, blonde, and blessed with the ability to sing and gyrate simultaneously.

But while Britney coyly admitted to being a virgin, and then pretended to be surprised when people found her schoolgirl outfits provocative, Christina was more honest and upfront from the start, with saucy lyrics which had to be toned down for release to her young fans (How she was EVER described as being "squeaky clean" is a mystery to me). Her gravitation towards all that is raunchy came into its own with her sophomore album, the aptly named Stripped. Armed with leather chaps and dreadlocks, she revelled in sexually explicit lyrics and an eye-popping video to her track Dirrty. (I once saw Topshop grind to a halt as the video was played on a giant screen. Underground boxing clubs have never been so... female friendly.)

It seems the Britney comparisons have fallen at the different routes the young women have taken in the last decade – Britney’s Disney-esque persona obliterated by her marriages, custody battles, break-ups and breakdowns, while the more probable loose cannon Christina has managed to go from career strength to strength, is happily married and has a child.

Enter Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, also known as Lady Gaga. Only 24, she has dominated the pop scene since 2008 with her 3 x platinum selling, award winning The Fame album. Not only does she have strong vocals and the ability to write a catchy hook, she also sees her work as performance art, resulting in controversial and memorable live performances and videos. In an MTV world of bikini clad beauties, Lady Gaga twists expectations and comes up with outrageous performances... not to mention her costumes. She has appeared in nothing more than fishnets and strategically placed bubbles and stunned onlookers at live performances in which she apparently stabbed herself. This death theme continues in music videos which frequently feature her killing people by poisoning them. Not that this has put off Beyoncé or True Blood star Alexander Skaarsgarrd from starring alongside her.

Gaga told Jonathan Ross "I would rather die than have my fans not see me in a pair of high heels....... and that’s showbiz!"

She has moved from relatively low-budget first music videos (cavorting in a paddling pool and a dingy house party) to epic mini-movies. From the start she was not afraid to use the tried-and-tested approach of dressing in skimpy outfits. However, as she became better known she was able to develop her style. Neither she nor Aguilera will ever be happy to make a simple music video where they look pretty and sing in a bikini. The nice thing about Gaga is that she’s not afraid to be WEIRD. Anyone can sing and look good, but how many starlets would be happy to appear as a freakishly bug eyed version of themselves? Similarly, how many of Aguilera’s late 1990s peers would have emulated her video for Fighter in which she essentially dressed as a giant moth?

Gaga explains "My album covers are not sexual at all, which was an issue at my record label. I fought for months, and I cried at meetings. They didn't think the photos were commercial enough... In my opinion, the last thing a young woman needs is another picture of a sexy pop star writhing in sand, covered in grease, touching herself." Quite so.

Gaga’s lyrics are designed to appeal to young people, referring directly to the experiences of going out (“I can’t remember the name of the club but it’s alright... just dance.”..... “I love this record baby but I can’t see straight anymore!”)

Resembling a performing arts student let loose on the world, with a giant budget and an imagination to match, Gaga has her own creative production team called the Haus of Gaga. She uses her own money to fund the spectacular tours; "I live out of a suitcase and I make music and art and I spend every dollar that I make on stage – that’s it," she added. "I want the imagery to be so strong that fans will want to eat and taste and lick every part of us."

As Christina told us seven years ago, "Sorry you can’t define me, sorry I break the mould". Let’s just say that goes for Gaga too. Of course, the only way the two bombshells will put rumours of a rivalry to rest is a collaboration.... here’s hoping.

In the meantime, let’s keep our fingers crossed that Dolly Parton never decides to sue every blonde songstress who ever had big hair and a flashy costume, because these youngsters would be toast.

Thursday 10 June 2010

If only all the news was this chucklesome


The news is always so miserable, isn’t it? If your life and community is a microcosm of the world at large, consider the balance of good and bad. Maybe someone is ill, or was mugged last week, but good things will have happened too – you found the keys you thought you’d lost, someone is having a healthy baby, there’s a party on Saturday. I’ve often thought the reportage from around the world gives us a lopsided view of things; we never hear anything good, do we?

So let’s cheer ourselves up with the news of the MPs who are now being 'treated like benefits claimants' under the new restrictions on their expenses (“Why don't they just put up a metal grille?” said one).

Apart from showing their utter contempt for benefits claimants (which is a bit rich considering that their main goal in life is to receive money for doing nothing – is there perhaps a hint of jealousy here?) they have amused us all with their childish antics.

Under the old system, MPs could take taxis for any journey, buy £400 worth of food (without receipts), claim for their entire phone bill, pay for 1st class travel for themselves and their families, and employ any number of family members and buddies. Not to mention a monthly “petty cash” allowance of £250, for which they didn’t not have to produce receipts. (So, essentially, just a cash lump sum.) And this is on top of their extortionate salaries (£64,766 basic). Good lord, they must have been wondering when they’d get a chance to even spend any of their own hard-earned cash.

Under the new regime (never before have these words been so joyous) they have relatively normal (albeit still very generous) rules. They only get taxis after 11pm, if there is no other transport available. (One woman MP has complained that it’s unsafe for her to travel by tube. Maybe this rule will provide an incentive when they're talking about cutting crime. The rest of us have to manage, after all.) They also have to pay for 85% of their phone bill, can only employ one family member, and only get £15 for their dinner – IF they had to work late.

All I can say is, HA HA.

Former Labour minister Tom Harris said the rule was 'so mindbogglingly unfair and ridiculous, you get the impression that Ian Kennedy, its chair, invented it for a joke, just to see how long it took for us to notice”.

I think it’s far more likely that the original rules were the joke, in place only as long as the rest of us didn’t notice. Strangely enough, one MP even admitted “Everyone accepted that we could not go on as we were.” But then he goes and ruins it by saying “but the pendulum has swung much too far the other way – not that we will get any public sympathy for it.”

You’d need a heart of stone not to laugh.

Monday 7 June 2010

Turn off the radio and never listen to crappy music again. Yes, that is an order.

Even her wardrobe is awesome
In the interests of showing just how un-cynical I can be, here's another post about someone I think is fab. I don't think I can convey to you just how amazing Imelda May is, how much I love her or how outraged I am that she isn't the biggest freaking superstar in the universe. (Hearing Cheryl Cole repeating "I don't need a parachute" ad infinitum doesn't help matters.) Listening to the radio will be a bitter disappointment once you've treated your eardrums to this.

Hailing from Dublin, Ms May is a devotee of the classic rockabilly look – all tight skirts and two-toned hair – which I think tends to brighten up the place in a way that jeans and t-shirts just can't do. When I saw her play at the 100 club in January, I was convinced she must be about 23, so lithe was her figure and youthful her features, but she is in fact 35. (Phew. I don't think I could stand it if she was this much cooler than I am, AND younger.) Incidentally, the gig was sold out – I got in by begging at the door. She may be supporting Jamie Cullum now, but surely it can't be long before she is world famous?

Johnny Got a Boom Boom is perhaps her best known track (the lyrics would appear to be about a man playing a musical instrument, but somehow seem innuendo laden. What is a boom boom, anyway?) and her newest is Psycho – you can check out both on youtube. (It pains me to say this, but the video is not of the finest quality. Let me direct your next video, Imelda – or at least edit it!)

This is one of those albums which makes you love each track in turn, even the ones you weren’t sure about at first. A case in point: Smokers' Song is unusual, but it has the ability to worm its way into your head until you feel the need to press “repeat” 10 times in succession. (Well, it's not often you have someone yelling "ha ha ha!" in the middle of a song.) This is a humorous account of women getting chatted up by losers in bars, wondering if they are being too harsh on them – "Criteria a little too high?" and then finally cracking and telling them to get lost. Feel me?
(Hey, that’s another of her song titles!)

Watcha Gonna Do is probably my favourite track – at the moment. It has a bit of a Western feel about it, with passionate cries of "Your handshake didn't mean jack!" and trombones seeming to suggest a gunfight at noon could be in order. And where would a blues album be without a touch of New Orleans? Dr John would be proud of Imelda’s Voodoo Working.

In conclusion; let's make like Prefab Sprout and change the world with music. If we all buy albums made by talented, dedicated musicians like this, perhaps Simon Cowell will end his reign of terror. (Actually, I quite like X factor, but you can see my point...?)

Thursday 3 June 2010

WWII: The human race's most shameful episode?

Victory, indeed. Winston is the reason this post is in English, not German.

If anyone is looking for a good book to get stuck into (and let's face it, some of us are still struggling to adjust to life post-Twilight) may I recommend the Zion Covenant series by Bodie and Brock Thoene? My mum has been urging me to try them for about the last 15 years, and now I've started, I wonder what took me so long...

I think we in Britain have a kind of fond nostalgia for wartime – it's all "Spirit of the Blitz" and funny stories about rationing and jam made out of carrots. Reading an account set in the heart of Europe has given me more of an insight into just how horrendous it must have been, how fast it happened and how easily Hitler slipped to world dominating power.

The really frightening thing is that I can see how it happened. If you're constantly told that a certain group of people are “vermin,” and they are responsible for all society’s problems, you’d probably welcome a leader who promised to take a tough line on them. For instance, wouldn’t there be a general rejoicing if our government vowed to eradicate chavs?

Anyway, I digress. Vienna Prelude is the first of these novels, set in Europe on the eve of World War II.  Elisa is a violinist, travelling Europe with the Vienna Symphony Orchestra. Her father Theo can feel the political situation heating up and decides the family needs to leave Berlin for a "holiday" in Austria. It seems they are not quite in time to escape the growing danger – as a well-known Jew, Theo is detained by the Gestapo. Elisa has already suffered the heartbreak of being dumped by her soldier boyfriend Thomas, whose career would be over if he carried on associating with a half Jewish girl. How will she cope with the fact that her homeland has become a danger zone and her family has been devastated?

Luckily a nice young American is on hand to be heroic; John Murphy is a journalist who is one of the few who can see the danger in this Hitler chap being given so much power. He and Elisa keep bumping into each other and form a friendship, complicated by the fact that she still loves Thomas, and her friends are encouraging her to marry Murphy for the privileges an American passport could afford her. Meanwhile, Elisa's mother and two brothers remain in Austria – but can they trust the family they are staying with?

When Elisa finds out her father is not all he seems, she begins to take a more active view of the war – rather than just taking care of herself and her family, she wishes to become part of the resistance and help the millions of Jews who are trapped within Nazi borders. A career in smuggling false passports beckons – and her little Guarnerius violin case is the mode of transportation.

Cleverly, with its array of characters, the gripping story manages to incorporate some who are close to Winston Churchill, and those who are part of the Nazi party and therefore privy to Hitler's inner circle. The attention to detail makes for a fascinating read.

The book also has a strong spiritual aspect (even the Jews seem to be Christians...?!) – which isn't surprising, since it must have seemed as if the world was on the verge of apocalypse. (Hitler's hatred of Jews and desire to be worshipped does seem somewhat Antichrist-esque)

There is a particularly moving scene in Dachau, a concentration camp where two prisoners manage to find peace even while they are suffering horribly at the hands of the Nazis.

'(The professor said) "Pity them, Jacob. Pity them for the evil they worship and the end that will surely come to them. Weep for our tormentors who have forgotten they are also eternal. There will be a moment when it is too late to beg forgiveness."

'From that night on, he was no longer afraid. The fierce hatred he felt for the well fed SS officers and guards settled into a quiet pity. "Burn your book of Ayran magic!" he wanted to shout. "There is hell more fierce than Dachau, and it lasts forever!"'

The following sequels cleverly introduce new characters in order to give an insight into various different scenarios – the Jews in hiding, the refugees whose ship is rejected at every dock, the Nazi mistress who decides that perhaps she wants to keep her baby rather than handing him over to the Fuhrer. The new stories are woven in with the characters we already know and produce some nail-biting scenes.

I always like a book that makes me feel more educated, and this series has been meticulously researched and is historically accurate (to the point where I came across things I'd never heard of, and thought "Nah... I'm sure that didn't happen," and then when I looked them up, they turned out to be true). The disadvantage is that it can be depressing to read about unspeakable horrors, knowing they will not have "blown over by Christmas". Reading about concentration camps isn’t easy when you are nice and cosy in your comfortable bed.

However, if you want a dramatic and emotional read, this one is worth the heartache.