Highlights of 2011? Pretending I still have some dignity left...

Towards the end of a year (normally in that weird no man's land between Christmas and NYE) most of us get impatient for the new year to start. Much as I detest New Year's Eve (and when I tell people this, they ALWAYS confess "I hate it too!" so I don't know who is still pushing for the compulsory party activities), I do think that having an official end to one year and fresh new start is beneficial for all of us. But let’s just review some of my greatest achievements of 2011:

Blanking a Popstar 

When a colourfully dressed girl came into the office I was temping at, I politely enquired her name. She answered “Paloma Faith,” very distinctly. Oh well, she did look like every other self consciously kooky girl in London.

Come on, Paloma - EVERYBODY looks like this. (Although not
 everybody looks like a strangely evil marionette doll in real life)

Making a Strong Impression

So, I was on the tube with a director I’d just been working with. As I stood up to say my goodbyes (“Well, it was lovely working with you, do call me next time....”) I then started doing that apologetic, delicate pushing to get past the throngs of fellow passengers by the door. Making slow progress, I started to panic that the doors would shut, and got a little more forceful in my gentle shoving. As I looked back, I saw one girl theatrically flailing backwards like the victim of a cyclone. This may well have given my boss a lasting impression of me violently bulldozing my way out of a tube train, but he did call me again, so maybe he liked my go-getting attitude.

Best Faux Pas Ever

I was chatting to the boss of a company I was temping at (good grief, there is a theme emerging here... maybe the real reason I'm self-employed isn't because I'm a freedom-loving Sagittarian, it's because it's the only way I can escape the embarrassment of generally making a fool of myself everywhere I go). He asked me if I’d been to uni: “No, I just went straight into working.” He exclaimed “Good for you! Some people, they go and do a media degree and by the time they come to us, they’re too old, really, to start as runners.” What, at 21? It makes you wonder what indignities 16 years old will put up with, doesn’t it?

Without engaging my brain, I told him I felt sorry for all the young people trying to break into the TV industry these days, because “Most of the time the jobs go to somebody’s nephew, don’t they?” He went a bit quiet at this, and later the runner mentioned her relief that one of her friends was coming in to help out, as “normally the runners are useless, because they’re the boss’s friends’ kids.”

Oops! Actually I think it’s hilarious that I was honest with the big boss, especially as he must have wondered if I knew about his usual MO and was making a subtle dig at him...

This may be a family trait as my mother told me she once got the sack when she (genuinely) innocently remarked “Have you ever noticed, people who drive yellow Cortinas are always really aggressive?” To the owner of – you guessed it – a yellow Cortina.

And Some From My Friends

My friend Jasmine had to undertake a gruelling test of her swimming abilities in order to qualify for a marine observation job on a boat. Part of the test would involve being strapped into a helicopter simulator and submerged in water (the test being whether you could find your way out. No, I don’t know what happens to people who fail the test). She thought she had better get really comfortable being underwater, so she went to her local pool and practised, in her words, “dunking” herself. My image of this involving a bullying imaginary friend may not be too far from the mark, because apparently the lifeguards became quite concerned...

Jasmine (who is actually more like a sitcom character than I had previously realised) also tried to climb over her 6 ft back gate to avoid her uncle and aunt’s surprise visit. She didn’t make it... ouch.

And as a last highlight of my year, I present a video I LOVE. I especially like the sounds he makes as he transitions from barking to miaowing. It’s like a real life version of Tom and Jerry!

This link http://www.lifeslittlemysteries.com/1557-cat-barks-like-dog-video-explained.html  has an “animal expert” explaining that “turning its head reduces the energy going out through its airway, so the bark turns into a meow." Hmmm, I’m not convinced on this – I think we constantly underestimate the capabilities of animals....

Assuming we are not taken over by furry overlords in 2012 (they WILL evolve with opposable thumbs sooner or later, I'm sure) here's to a very happy new year to you all!

Have yourself a multicoloured Christmas

(if that’s not a racist thing to say)

Why do only small children and middle aged men wear Christmas jumpers?

Grandma’s favourite Alan Hansen got into trouble for talking about “coloured” football players this week. Rohan Ricketts (a Shamrock Rovers player ) jumped onto twitter to correct him – “we’re BLACK!” and yet again, race is an issue. 

Is this reaction extreme? I think I too would be a little oversensitive if I had to put up with the amount of hassle the average black person gets on a day to day basis. Many white people don’t realise how much racism is still horribly prevalent in society today because we happily and obliviously allow it to float over our heads. Anyone remember that documentary about traffic wardens only a few years ago? People who appeared at first glance to be quite normal (ie, not knuckle-dragging chavs) would react to getting a ticket by telling black wardens to “get back to the jungle”. Yes, really. 

But what is the difference between the apparently offensive term “coloured” and the Ultra-PC-Halle-Berry-Oscar-speech-approved “people of colour”? Apparently “coloured” is offensive because “it makes all non-white people sound the same”. But doesn’t “Black” do the same? It doesn’t exactly hint at the myriad shades from cafe au lait to toffee to chocolate and ebony. 

If someone referred to me as “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” would I retort “I’m WHITE!”? When actually, “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” is a more accurate description of many “white” people’s skin colour? But what if “beigey-pink with yellowish tones” was an old fashioned term, and therefore associated with a time when abuse for “white” people was common? What then? Oh, I’m in a muddle. But I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s helpful for any of us when using an old-fashioned term without malice gets a headline “Racist!” response. 

Sorry I haven’t been very festive today. To cheer us all up, here is a picture of a black Santa. (I think it’s kind of bizarre and disturbing that only white kids get to see Santa with a skin tone that matches theirs.) Seeing Santa (not to mention God) as an old white man with a long white beard... it’s a bit unimaginative, isn’t it? 

❄❄❄Merry Christmas! ❄❄❄

✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰☃✰

And a convertible too... light blue....

Kindles also stop dogs from reading over your shoulder

I have a small substance abuse problem, and the substance is books. I can’t go past a book shop of any kind without popping in for a look around. It is rare that I'll emerge without yet another slightly musty paperback to add to the growing pile next to the bookcase (I’ve run out of actual shelf space).

I’m always excited to talk about books – I’ve never been part of a book club per se, but have an informal one with family and friends where we force-feed each other with books we’ve enjoyed. I’ll never forget the disappointment I felt when an acquaintance told me she was "really into books" and then ruined it all by saying "especially Jane Green"  (For the uninitiated, this is a bit like someone saying they’re really into film, and as you settle in for a chat about Truffaut and Bergman, or at the very least Spielberg and Cameron, they say "Yeah, I thought Transformers was brilliant. Megan Fox is my favourite actress of all time."

Of course, the obvious solution to the storage problem is to get a kindle – but, I reasoned, how dull to just buy my e-books from Amazon. Anyone can BUY a book. But hunting them down, out in the wild? That’s so much more fun. Checking out charity shops puts the thrill in the chase. 

What’s more, I slightly fetishise the books themselves. When I’ve finished a much-loved book, I find myself caressing the cover, or flicking through the pages to glimpse again the words which have brought me so much pleasure. I marvel at the fact that what is essentially a block of wood contains the treasures of time travel, poetry and characters as real as you and me. 

But then I made the mistake of borrowing someone else’s Kindle. I now NEED to have one. The sense of marvel increases at the thought that a small electronic device can contain 1,400 books. It’s so small and light that you can pretty much carry it around with you, ready to whip out at a moment’s notice (commercial breaks, lulls in conversation). You could quite possibly read it discreetly under your desk at work. It is ideal for cosy bedtime stories, as you can hold the kindle and “turn the page” with one hand.  (Am I the only person whose arms get cold if I don’t snuggle them under the covers? Turning pages has always been the only downside of reading in bed. Although it is also sometimes the only thing that will make me stop...) 

Kindles seems to be shaping up at this year’s must have, and I have already been drooling at the free books available... ooh, classics! (Although many other kindle editions will be more expensive than buying second-hand, so my shelves will not be made redundant anytime soon.)  Once you have your kindle, I’m not sure how anyone could “give” you books – I suppose the only way to do it and keep it a surprise would be to kidnap it and secretly get downloading? 

Santa, if you're listening: my Amazon wish list will tell you everything you need to know. And I’ve been a very good girl this year (mostly).

P.S. And if you could get the elves working on a waterproof version for those all-important bathtime reads, that would be great too. Thanks xx

TV: So much better than drugs

O hai David Attenborough nice to see you again

Has anyone else been watching Frozen Planet on BBC 1? Good old David Attenborough has been presiding over this spectacular series following the lives of polar bears, penguins and seals (oh my!)

It is one of those rare TV shows which makes the license fee seem worthwhile. I watch literally slack-jawed with amazement at the beauty of the landscapes and the incredible camera work. I have long thought that the cinematography in nature documentaries was the most stunning of all, and this programme is a perfect example. Why can’t every film be shot so beautifully? 

The work that goes into getting the shots doesn’t bear thinking about – and we get a taste of this in the ten minute behind-the-scenes segment at the end of each episode. The crew, sometimes consisting of only two people – camp out on snow, plunge into icy water, and float alarmingly close to hungry polar bears in order to get the perfect picture. Their dedication is incredible and I am profoundly grateful for their artistry and perfectionism, which I can enjoy from the comfort of my sofa. 

That is all.

Won't somebody think of the children....?

I wonder if the BAAF think this family should be outlawed? 

Adoption is one of the few areas in British law in which it is entirely legal to make discriminatory decisions based on race. THE BAAF (British Association for Adoption and Fostering) website puts it thus: “We find children do best in a family that reflects their ethnic identity as closely as possible.” Which sounds reasonable, but it also means that if nobody of your particular ethnic mix shows up, you will be languishing in a care home for a very long time. Where's Angelina when you need her? 

Last month David Cameron was loudly criticising this system: “How can we have let this happen? We’ve got people flying all over the world to adopt babies, while the care system at home agonises about placing black children with white families.... ith the right values and the right effort, let’s end this scandal and help these, the most vulnerable children of all.”

Unfortunately his noble sentiments appear to have gone AWOL, as the strict criteria remains in place. Matt Dunkley (president of the Association of Directors of Children's Services) told Radio 4 “If you can make a match within a child's own race, that generally leads to better outcomes.” Children's Minister Mr Loughton countered “Although having an ethnic match may be desirable, it is a bonus and not a deal breaker.”

Trying to adopt a child in the UK sounds like a nightmare of Orwellian-style red tape and hoop jumping  – no wonder many people are instead paying to adopt from abroad. This turns you into a multi-cultural family, allowing you to adopt a non-white child in the UK  – yay! Oh, but only if they are of the exact same ethnicity of your first child. (Never mind that you could quite easily produce biological children with a variety of ethnic backgrounds, if you so wished.) It does seem like a complicated approach to what should be a simple mission  – finding the best possible family for each child. Even if this means placing them with *gasp* a smoker. I know it's not ideal but surely we should be living by the maxim “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow”. (Don't tell me Alec Baldwin films never teach you anything.) 

Of course, if you have lots of money, you may find 
some of these problems just fall by the wayside.

In 2000, Tony Blair did his best to sort out kids in care by setting adoption targets of 50%, with large cash incentives for the councils. Unfortunately social workers are easily confused; they attempted to meet the targets not by systematically emptying out care homes of children that were already “in the system” but by finding babies they could remove from their biological families instead. By 2007, 900 babies were being taken every year. (I know it sounds insane, but it's true.) Now, we can probably assume that at least some of these were from parents who had previously proven themselves to be unfit, but a frightening number appear to be people who were just easy targets. At the time, Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming said “Social workers are seizing very young children on the flimsiest of excuses and giving them to other families.... This smacks of social engineering on a grand scale. The offer of monetary rewards for meeting the targets has created a frenzy among social workers.” Scary stuff.

One famous case was that of Mark and Nicky Webster, whose three children were forcibly removed because of one of them suffered unexplained leg fractures – which were later thought to be due to a Vitamin D Deficiency. By the time this had been discovered, the children had been adopted, never to be seen again by their biological parents. Many more stories of this kind will never be heard; the irreversible decisions made in family courts are veiled in utmost secrecy. 

Obviously, this Twilight Zone of a social system must be changed. Luckily for children everywhere and those prospective parents who are over 35, white, or 10lb overweight, the backlash has begun. Adoption with Humanity has a mission “to actively push for policies that place children at the heart of a more humane system, with a new ethos that views adoption as equally valid and equally valued as a means of finding a family for children in care”. If you're in agreement with them, there is a petition on their website. I’d hate to sound like a Daily Mail columnist here (although they are entertaining) but LET’S STOP THE MADNESS NOW!

"Female remains famous without knicker flashing" Shock report

 Read this and other reviews of mine over at 
Dooyoo.co.uk  – look out for Charliewhippet

After internet leaks and a delayed launch, it's Kelly's long awaited new album! And there's barely a non-single track among them. 

By now we've all heard the first single Mr Know it All which, in typical Kelly style, admonishes a guy for thinking he knows her when he actually has no clue. (We've all known guys like this, right? I had one tell me that I didn't like children. When I had been running an after-school club and was preparing for a month working in an African orphanage.) While the lyrics are Kelly personified, the melody and musical stylings are strongly reminiscent of the Bruno Mars hit Just the Way You Are (a fact which hasn't escaped the critics' notice). 

While the song would appear to be aimed at an individual, the video twists this into an attack on the media, with Kelly singing in front of a wall of headlines – which apparently are genuine newspaper articles. 

This blow at the media continues in You Can't Win as Kelly lampoons pretty much every criticism ever levelled at her – and everyone else in the public eye."If you're thin, poor little walking disease; if you're not, they're all screaming obese," and "If you're down; so ungrateful, and if you're happy, why so selfish?"

The second track on the listing carries the oft-repeated message that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Now we're back in familiar Clarkson territory – a pounding beat, singalong chorus, and "Let's get on that treadmill and work out our aggression against the boy who dumped us," feeling. Kelly has hinted that this will be the second single, which both pleases and disappoints me. It’s a cool, catchy pop record which has a positive message and will surely get lots of airplay. However, haven’t we had an awful lot of those songs from Kelly? Wise as it is to stick to the formula that works, it would be nice if the non-album-buying public could hear some of her more thoughtful and multilayered songs. 

One of which is Dark Side – it has a pseudo-spooky beginning like a child's music box, and a downbeat vibe. The lyrics plead that everyone has a dark side; "Can you love mine?" It's Kelly being all heart-rending at her best, and her voice soars effortlessly over the wide vocal range – she truly makes it sound easy. 

This theme continues with Honestly, which has beautiful, gentle opening bars and rises into a somewhat melancholy anthem; "Make me listen to the truth even if it breaks me..... you can judge me, love me, if you’re hating me, do it honestly..." Kelly apparently expects bad news, but is determined to know anyway, as she crashes into a desperate-sounding wave of "You can tell me... you can tell me....you can tell me...." (Say what you like about Kelly, but it’s nice to find a "pop" singer who isn’t afraid to be a bit angsty and raw emotionally.)

Kelly's songwriters drop the ball somewhat on Einstein.. It has a promising start, with a cute first verse:

Simple math
Our love divided by the square root of pride
Multiply your lies plus time
I'm going out of my mind
It was heavy when I finally figured it out alone

You’d be forgiven for thinking "Ah, how clever. A cute, playground style song with in-jokes about Einstein!" But it's almost as if the writer exhausted his / her brain power, turned to the nearest eight-year-old, and said "Hey, I'm all out of ideas. You write the chorus." Seriously? "Dumb plus dumb equals you?" That doesn’t even make sense! OK, so it might be fun for little girl to sing, but for such a quirky idea, this song really falls short of its potential. Luckily it is saved by Kelly's vocals which are dynamic as always.

(It's also worth noting that Directlyrics.com, despite claiming to "guarantee" accuracy in their lists  of lyrics, have misheard this song with bizarre results. "I may not be unstopped"? You’re not exactly Einstein yourself, are you?)

Standing in Front of You is a song about taking the risk of throwing yourself into love rather than staying alone out of fear. Kelly turns it into an etheral, filmic sounding epic which will no doubt make it onto a rom-com soundtrack at some point.

I Forgive You, a bouncy song about the pointlessness of holding the past against someone ("If I hate you, what does that do?") is a little monotonous but is saved by a catchy, 80s-sounding chorus. I have been trying to work out what it reminds me of and have finally settled on Kim Wildes's classic, Kids in America. The retro disco feel continues on You Love Me, which has an electropop sound that brings La Roux to mind. (Which is logical when you consider that they are influenced by Eurythmics, and Kelly has declared herself a big fan of Annie Lennox.  Don’t be fooled by the optimistic title – this is another song about poor Kelly being let down by someone who only claims to love her.

KC has said herself that sonically this is her best album and that it sounds closer to the way she does when singing live. I can attest to this – the vocals sound so rich and textured on this album that after listening to it for a while and then switching to a previous album of hers, her previous (excellent) vocals sounded almost tinny in comparison.

She even sounds a little bit throaty and sexy on Hello, a song which lacks the huge sweeping chorus of some of her other hits but has a nice line in handclaps and a twangy bassline.

Likewise Kelly turns in a rather sultry performance on Let Me Down, yet another song about a man failing her.  With lyrics such as "I think I might be a fortune teller, I read your face just like a letter..." she is soon wailing the chorus as only she can.

Kelly's vocals are never stronger than on The War is Over, a haunting track on which she harmonises with herself, the somewhat low-key verses rising to an empowering finale. 

Crossing genre boundaries as always, the powerful yet silky vocals on Breaking Your Own Heart are as close to country as Kelly gets on the main album. (Please Kelly, release that blues and country album you keep promising us! Forget the teenyboppers who love your pop rock! Your grown-up fans demand Patsy Cline and Black Keys covers!)

If you’ve bought the plain old regular album, this is your lot. However, I recommend that you invest in the deluxe version for some extra treats....

Unfortunately still no duet with Miranda Lambert. Maybe next time? Pretty please?

In the US, country music is big business (although we Brits don’t really have a fanbase for songs about trucks, catfish, and mama, unfortunately. ) On Don’t You Wanna Stay, Kelly teams up with Jason Aldean. (Who? I hear you ask. Well, he has four albumus and plenty of CMA trophies to his name, so if you like a bit of twang in your guitar, Spotify him up right now!) 

Unfortunately if you’re a cynical Brit, this song may be just a touch too glurgy for you. But if you are a secret fan of Magic.fm, you will find plenty to admire in the wistful, minor-key tune and  incredible vocals in this shamelessly romantic song.

Alone is another pop-rocky showcase for Kelly’s throaty vocals and for once, a song with a happy ending! And while the feminist in me rankles at the word "girl" being used pejoratively, the track Don’t Be a Girl About It also made me chuckle to myself. Featuring lines such as "I chose the high road and you chose... to be a girl," it’s tongue-in-cheek enough to get away with it. I actually wish this was on the main album and thus eligible to be released as a single, because it has a ridiculously catchy chorus and is generally a fun, audacious track. 

The Sun Will Rise features Kara DioGuardi, who is a songwriter, singer, ex-judge on American Idol, and record producer. Despite her impressive credentials, I find that her voice detracts from the song rather than improving it – she's just a touch whiny, especially teamed with Miss Clarkson’s clear-as-a-bell efforts. However, it’s nice to end the album on a rare cheerful note (especially if you have been listening to the album in a post-break-up haze of tears). 

All in all, it’s probably KC’s best album yet. However, it’s a travesty that some of her best work doesn’t make the cut. Check out youtube for Why Don’t You Try, an Aretha-esque bluesy number which ONLY appears on the US version of the itunes album. (Which sucks for those of us who have already bought the CD.)  However,  I comfort myself with the knowledge that Kelly is one of those artists who is actually better live than she is when she is overproduced, so the youtube versions are actually superior to the album track. Go figure. 

I leave you with proof that Kelly must not be allowed to do covers of popular artist’s work, because it’s just embarrassing for everyone when her version is the best by about a million miles. Sorry Carrie.

Halloween musings, aka "I read books, so you don't have to"

Ah, the veil thins. October is rapidly becoming my favourite time of year – not least because I began this month sunbathing in my garden. (It’s as if the British weather said “You know what? Seasons are for losers. From now on, there are no rules.”) But the feel of crispy leaves underfoot, the scents of ripening apples and blackberries mingling with woodsmoke, and the slow drawing in of the nights... there is something delicious about the gentle sinking into Autumn and all the mellow fruitfulness it brings. 

Right now I am at work in my "subtle" Halloween costume - Alice band, blue dress with a white cardigan, black shiny patent one-bar shoes, and the pièce de résistance, THESE socks. 

The socks especially are a surprising hit with the menz (is it a schoolgirl thing?) but I notice they were also drawing admiring glances from several children on the walk to the office. The thought occurred to me that dressing in order to make children envious of your wardrobe is criteria I have neglected until now, but it's worth considering for the future. 

I've written elsewhere (http://geniustoburn.blogspot.com/2010/10/halloween.html) about my Christian beliefs and why I have finally come round to the idea of Halloween – it's somewhat thanks to my obsession with Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (http://geniustoburn.blogspot.com/2010/10/happy-halloween.html) that I have evolved from a sweetness and light kind of gal into one who is at ease with a little bit of gothic darkness.

For instance, is there anything more comforting than snuggling down with a hot chocolate and an antique horror novel? I’m not sure why I find Dracula and The Hound of the Baskervilles so soothing, but I think it’s the exaggerated, hysterical use of adjectives. A typical passage in one of these books is for the hero to describe, in long winded terms, just how horrifying, repugnant, and unnatural is the scene just behind the door. By the time they get round to actually describing the bloodcurdling sight, you find it’s not actually that scary after all. 

I think my favourite is H.P.Lovecraft, typical of the 1920s horror style he popularised:

"The church was scarce lighted by all the lanthorns that had entered it, for most of the throng had already vanished. They had streamed up the aisle between the pews to the trapdoor of the vault, which yawned loathsomely open just before the pulpit , and were now squirming noiselessly in. I followed dumbly down the footworn steps into the dark, suffocating crypt. The tail of that sinous line of night marchers seemed very horrible, and as I saw them wriggling into a venerable tomb they seemed more horrible still."

"....we were all descending an ominous staircase, damp and peculiarly odorous, that wound endlessly down the bowels of the hill past monotonous walls of dripping stone blocks and crumbling mortar..."

Are you squirming (noiselessly) as you read this....? The adverbs, they burn! I think the reason I enjoy this style is because it’s like fairytales for grown ups – creepy enough to give you enjoyable shivers, but “safe” (or is that “faintly ridiculous”) enough to not be overly scary.

Dracula: Strangely comforting.

“When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.” 

C.S. Lewis

It seems I am not the only one to be “into” fairytales – Red Riding Hood made a cinema appearance earlier this year, while there are two, count ‘em, TWO film versions of Snow White coming up next year. (Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron are due to star in Snow White and the Huntsman, while Lily Collins and Julia Roberts will be appearing together in Mirror Mirror.) I say, bring it on! The more the merrier. 

I recently read “The uses of enchantment,” by Bruno Bettelheim. Not everyone would agree with his (heavily Freudian) interpretation of the tales, but it is fascinating all the same. Read it and you will want your children to read the most dark, Grimm fairy tales around – as the sanitised Disney versions largely miss the point, rendering them useless (although I am still a sucker for a cleaning session involving helpful chipmunks.)

I always sing when I'm cleaning, in the hope that it will 
attract some rodents who enjoy bathroom chores.

What fairy tales basically boil down to is this: you want to have sex with your parents. Yes you do, don't deny it! Oedipus rules in fairyland, hence the ubiquitous storyline of a princess who suffers at the hands of her evil stepmother. Our heroine is always beloved by her father, but he remains powerless to rescue her from his wicked wife and, er, marry her. This is one reason why it's no good being politically correct and changing the evil step mother in a story to a biological mother – the whole point is that she is a usurper taking the heroine’s rightful place as daddy’s number one girl.  

Children relate to storybook heroes in other ways: For instance, every tale features a protagonist who has to proceed for some time in isolation. Bettelheim puts it thus: “the fate of these heroes convinces the child that, like them, he may feel outcast and abandoned in the world, groping in the dark, but like them, in the course of his life he will be guided step by step, and given help when it is needed." 

Bettelheim theorises that when children are prematurely forced to view reality in an adult way – not allowed to have fairytales and imaginative play in their formative years –they will often retreat into a fantasy world in their teens, sometimes manifesting this with drugs or other reality-bending tools. (I'd hate to mention World of Warcraft here, but I can't help it. Although to be fair, the only reason I don’t play it because I'm afraid I'd really like it and while away my life on the computer. Which I'm totally NOT doing right now, obviously.) 

Small children often feel dumb and inadequate compared with everyone else, which is why many fairy tales start with the hero being considered stupid, eg Cinderella, Jack and the beanstalk, etc. Children love Cinderella and Snow White because they reinforce the belief that being put upon and made to do chores means that you are actually envied for your beauty and general wonderfulness. But Bettelheim indicates that they also feel that they deserve dirtiness – because they figure if they were that great, their parents would never criticise or disappoint them. 

Bettelheim (whose book was published in 1976) also put paid to the common rumour that Cinderella's slippers turned from fur to glass because of a mistranslation, what with the words for fur and glass being similar in French. He points out that the original story featured birds alerting the prince to the ugly sisters’ bleeding feet – which would have been obvious if the slippers they had squeezed into were glass. It seems that Perrault knew exactly what he was doing when interpreting the story and changed the fur into glass simply because he wanted to.

Whether you take it with a pinch of salt or not, Bettelheim’s take on sex in fairytales is fascinating. While we can all see that the story of Little Red Riding hood being stalked by a slobbering wolf could be interpreted as a morality tale for young women (no, don’t tell him where you’re going, you bimbo!) who knew that the frequent appearance of frogs in tales also symbolises sex? 

Take the story of The Frog King, for instance. If you’re unfamiliar with this story, the gist is that a princess accidentally agrees to letting a frog sleep in her bed. She tries to renege on the deal but after a few weeks the frog wins her over – and turns into a prince. (Surely there is a market for a grown up fairytale in which women start out with a prince and he slowly transforms into a hairy, smelly, moody beast? Only kidding, fellas.)

Says Bettelheim "It must be conveyed to children that sex may seem disgustingly animal-like at first, but that once the right way is found to approach it, beauty will emerge from behind this repulsive appearance." 

(Freud believed that children NEED to find sex repulsive, otherwise the oedipal longing would make them want sex with their parents. Yes folks, it was apparently the only thing keeping incest taboo.)

The “animal-groom cycle” continues in Beauty and the Beast – it’s only when she decides to break the oedipal ties to her father and return to the beast that she decides that actually, she would quite like a bit of action with him.  

Things get a little more *out there* in Bettelheim’s interpretation of Jack and the beanstalk. Apparently this is all about children masturbating and fearing "the ogre" (eg, parents) will find them out. Despite the fear, they also enjoy the feeling that they stealing some of their parents' power over them. (Incidentally, there is a similar theory that children like squishing about in their dirty nappies before alerting their parents to their need for a change. It is quite literally their “dirty little secret”. Hope I haven’t put you off your tea).  The beanstalk story (let’s not even get into phallic interpretations of that one) reassures them that they will not be destroyed for their daring. 

Bettelheim warns against bowdlerised versions of the story which justify Jack’s stealing with a backstory of the giant first stealing from his father. It isn’t a story about retribution, it is meant to be about achieving manhood. (The white-washed version features Jack gaining independence from his mother only to obey orders from a female fairy, which also rather misses the point...)

 Excuse me while I indulge my primitive oral fixation.....

Other themes recur frequently; deep sleeps symbolising rebirth and the time of rest that must precede it. (This time of seclusion can also work as protection. For example, Sleeping Beauty gets her first symbolic period and is immediately hidden from would-be suitors by deadly brambles.) 

The lesser known story of "The fisherman and the Jinny” tells of a jinny (let’s just call him a genie, shall we?) who sits in a bottle for hundreds of years. He starts out by thinking that whoever lets him out will be lavishly rewarded... but as the centuries unfold he gets angrier and angrier until he's decided that he will KILL whoever lets him out (our fearless fisherman, who tricks the genie back into the bottle). Bettelheim points out that "this is exactly how a young child feels when he has been "deserted." First he thinks to himself how happy he will be when his mother comes back; or when sent to his room, how glad he will be when permitted to leave it again, and how he will reward mother. But as time passes, the child becomes angrier and angrier, and he fantasizes the terrible revenge he will take on those who have deprived him.” 

Without addressing this explicitly, the story can offer the child relief regarding his “bottled up” feelings.  

Through fairytales, children learn that before the happy life can begin, the evil and destructive parts of our personalities must be brought under control.

Bruno Bettelheim was an extraordinarily sensitive psychoanalyst and has put together a fascinating read – and makes an invaluable contribution to the studies of child development.

If you’re interested in more analysis of old tales, you might like Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It is long-winded (I think all psychiatrists like to repeat every paragraph at least three times, to make sure you really get it) but it does offer some fresh insight into traditional stories. (It's also very long; the sense of relief and achievement when I finally finished it was unbelievable.)

Also Neil Gaiman fans – if you haven’t read Snow, Glass, Apples, the last short story in his book Smoke and Mirrors, please do. As his intention, you will never see Snow White the same way again.

And.... diva power!

Power is... knowing they can't start without you...

I have been working in the media on and off for over ten years now (spending my "off" periods discovering the delights of bar work, travel and social services) so I've come across my fair share of divas. As a rule, the bigger the star, the nicer they are – it's only the starlet whose first film has gone to her head who is ever any trouble. (And extras, because they are nearly always a little bit mental.)

However, I have now twice been an assistant for a middle-aged woman who appears on a popular TV show, and I can honestly say she is the most bizarre "personality" I have come across. And because I am not going to mention any names, I shall feel free to vent here:  

The first time I was assigned the job of "looking after" the lady in question (let's call her "Mrs Nutsy) the whole crew laughed and regaled me with stories of her last assistant, who had been fired and never seen again. After surviving our first week together, I reflected that, while she had her difficult moments, she was alright really, and I felt quite proud that I had conquered the beast. However, because of "how well" we'd got along last year, this summer I was assigned her case again. (In case you're wondering, we were working for an annual event – no names!) My job basically involved keeping an eye on her, getting her food, and making sure she was in front of the camera at the appropriate time. 

The fun started on the first day when she was half an hour late (in TV, that is a lifetime....) and made the whole green room come to a standstill while trying to decide what to wear. She ranted “SOMEBODY must have some tights!” (Why? You don't!)  then complained that the bosses didn't give her enough work. I wonder why?

Dogged by insecurities, she would ask me asinine questions; “Do I look all old and wrinkled?” Er, yes, actually, you do. And you have NO STYLE! (Working for Mrs Nutsy, I realised that you don't have to be a diva of Mariah proportions to be surrounded with yes men. She got constant compliments on some of her most hideous choices of clothing. I’m sure everybody wasn’t blind.)

When somebody had a birthday, there were cupcakes for everyone. We had the following exchange: 

Mrs Nutsy: "Have one of these cakes!” 

Me: “Ooh, I’m full already thanks. I had jelly and cream for my pudding.”

Mrs Nutsy: "Where’s MY pudding?"

Me: "Oh, sorry, I didn't think you wanted any. I'll get you some." *Goes and asks for jelly and cream at the canteen, which had long closed.*

Upon my return –

Mrs Nutsy: "Oh, I can't have cream."

Me: *Mind boggles* 

Mrs Nutsy: "I thought you said ice cream!"

Me: *Boggles some more* (Isn't it... sort of the same ingredients?)

Later, I ate the last cupcake (at the pleading of the cupcake-bringer who didn't want the last on to get left forever and then thrown away). Mrs Nutsy: "Have you just had that cake? I wanted that one!”

Is it bad that I count my eating of the cake she wanted as the highlight of my week?

            

I freaking love cupcakes, anyway. Just in case you 

were wondering what to get me for my birthday

I started to think of her like toddler, and tried to adjust my behaviour accordingly. (This came after the memorable occasion when she waited for me to say "Ok, they're ready for you" before announcing that she needed "a wee".)

We were always on an extremely tight schedule, so when we ran late one morning, I made sure that I regularly reminded her “So Mrs Nutsy, you know we’ll really have to rush through lunch, because you’re going live at two o’clock,” and she was all "Yes, that’s fine. I don’t know what everyone’s making such a fuss about.” 

So I got her lunch, ate mine, and left her chatting. Quarter to 2, I went to check on her; “Are you getting ready?” Yes. 

At five to two, when she was called, she said “I CAN’T GO! I HAVEN'T HAD MY LUNCH!” It was actually as if I’d never had the previous conversation with her. Bonkers.

On the plus side, she is so notorious that if I could get her to the right place 50% of the time people will still applaud me for dong a great job.

I have honestly never met anybody with so little concept of time / schedules / doing your job properly. In the middle of filming, she said she’d go to the loo. I had long given up escorting her there and back as this seemed to make her drag her feet even more, but I wasn't surprised when she still took ages. When she returned, she excused herself with “I just had to go and see who won the X award.” Er, we’re all waiting to start FILMING. Do you have any concept of that? WHO DOES THIS?

She constantly whinged about how "TV company which shall remain nameless" don't want her. She just couldn't see the connection between her lack of professionalism and shortage of work.

The funny thing is, she's often held up as an example of how television bosses get rid of older female presenters in favour of nubile young fillies. Fans say "Why can't Mrs Nutsy have the job? It's ageist, I tells ya!' Little do they know what chaos her presence causes backstage. Two sides to every story, after all....

When the job was over and I thought I was free of that croaky voice (I heard one member of the public point her out "Look, there's that woman who always sounds as if she's got something stuck in her throat," which was cruel but accurate) she called me and all but accused me of stealing an award she had apparently brought in to show everyone.

Mrs Nutsy: “Do you remember me showing you?” 

Me: "Er, no, but go on."

Mrs Nutsy:  “Well I did actually.” 

(No she didn't)

After a fruitless few minutes in which I channeled mother energy and asked "Hmm, did you check the car? Maybe it could be stuck in one of your shoes?" Knowing that she had bundled everything up crazily on the last day and couldn't find her arse with both hands at the best of times.

It soon became clear that this was more than just a courtesy call, as she said, in menacing tones, “Well, I’ll have to get the police involved.” 

Me, sympathetically: "Yes, of course!" 

Mrs Nutsy, threateningly:“So, if they call, you’ll know what it’s about.” 

Me, brightly: "Yes, I will. Hope you find it! Byeee!"

Ye gads. How RUDE! 

More recently, I worked as production designer on a film, where an actress in the cast agreed to let us use her flat as a location. Knowing the director liked the plain white walls, she swiftly wallpapered with a swirling design. Hmm, that was a strange thing to do...Oh well, at least we've still got those blinds we needed... Oh, wait. Guess what had desperately needed to be taken down for cleaning? 

Some people really take the passive out of passive aggressive, don’t they?