RIP Peter Falk

   16^th September  1927 –  23^rd June 2011

The world has lost a great actor in Peter Falk, who by all accounts was a rather lovely person too. I’ve always had a particular fondness for his most popular character, Columbo. I’m sure you know his MO – the bumbling detective would lure his suspects into a false sense of security until they realised too late that his shambolic persona concealed a brilliant mind.

I admired the way Columbo DIDN’T CARE if people thought he was stupid, because he knew that he wasn’t. In society where “What other people think” is the definition of some people’s self worth, he was a breath of fresh air.

Similarly, I have been addicted to Steig Larsson’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy. (If you haven’t read them yet, do.  (The first book is a little dry to start with, but it’s 100% worth the perseverance.) Like Columbo, Lisbeth Salander really doesn’t care what people think of her. And like Columbo, she is a memorable character.

“Salander gave him a long look, satisfied herself that he was an idiot, and decided that she would not waste too many seconds concerning herself with his existence.”

Unless you're the kind of nincompoop who is constantly telling people how smart you are and how you “don’t take any crap from anyone”, you have probably been aware, at some point, of someone thinking you're dumber than you are. I apparently give every appearance of being a total bimbo (I admit, I do giggle a lot) and have been told “I’m surprised you’ve read so many books” and “You’re smarter than you look!” – both by casual acquaintances.

I take comfort in characters such as Columbo, who exemplify the truth that it’s much better to be thought of as stupid when you’re not, than the reverse.

Viva la underdog!

Who's helping who?

Solemn celebrity? Check. Cute kids? Check. Roll cameras.....

Last week I was lucky enough to attend a party given by Comic Relief (as a plus-one for my friend Alicia, whose workplace had been involved). It was all very glamorous, with Richard Curtis giving a speech (“James Corden isn’t here, is he? No? Well let me tell you, he is a tricky bastard. It wasn’t worth the hassle....”) and Jameela Jamil on the decks (although her “DJ” style was quite similar to mine: Play a song. Then when it’s finished, play another one.) Later, Scott Mills mixed seamlessly.

Entertainment was provided by “Some of the biggest acts of the 80s!” (Why? Is Comic relief now a 1980s-themed charity?) Still, it excited the 40-somethings to see Toyah Wilcox, Clare Grogan and Limahl (of Never Ending Story fame).

You’ll be pleased to know that the party was sponsored, so donations weren’t used. Lorraine Kelly announced the total takings for this year – £104,496,747. Just in case rows of numbers confuse you as they do me, I’ll repeat that – over 104 MILLION POUNDS. This year. Wowser.

I’ll admit, I don’t love the Comic relief format. To me, it seems weird to provoke tears with footage of starving families, then bounce back to the studio to watch newsreaders throwing custard pies at each other, and then back to skeletal babies again. But this method obviously works (no doubt the rhythm has been perfected with the help of a psychologist). Overall Comic Relief has raised £750 million in the 25 years since it began.

But where has that £750 million gone? There is new footage of emaciated beggars every year. I am not accusing Comic Relief of anything dodgy – to see Lenny Henry filming in shanty towns is to know that he is utterly sincere in his desire to help. and I know that it has made some difference. But for that kind of money, I would have expected a more sweeping change to be apparent by now.

There is a school of thought that suggests foreign aid doesn’t really benefit anyone. Zambian Dambisa Moyo, a former economist at Goldman Sachs, is the author of Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There Is a Better Way for Africa. She puts it thus:

“Say there is a mosquito-net maker in small-town Africa. Say he employs 10 people who together manufacture 500 nets a week. Typically, these 10 employees support upward of 15 relatives each. A Western government-inspired program generously supplies the affected region with 100,000 free mosquito nets. This promptly puts the mosquito net manufacturer out of business, and now his 10 employees can no longer support their 150 dependents. In a couple of years, most of the donated nets will be torn and useless, but now there is no mosquito net maker to go to. They'll have to get more aid. And African governments once again get to abdicate their responsibilities.”

The trend to buy goats as gifts has also apparently backfired, with critics pointing out that the water-slurping animals will just exacerbate drought. (You would hope that the charities would choose carefully when deciding WHERE to send the animals, wouldn’t you?)

Giving to even the most trustworthy charities sends money through a number of hands before it actually gets to the people who need it... and there are governments even more corrupt than ours (yes, really!).

I cancelled my direct debit to Christian Aid, because they constantly phoned to ask for more cash, and the streets were heaving with their chuggers; I also removed myself from the mailing lists of any other charities I’ve ever given to as they would kindly send me frequent updates accompanied by gifts – calendars, pens, stickers, badges. In cases like this, I doubt my donations even cover their admin costs.

Maybe it would help if charities combined to streamline things – one for African orphanages, one for animals etc. Why waste money creating awareness of 30 different (competing) brands, and designing 30 different letterheads? Perhaps there are too many CEOs with egos and a liking for first class travel.

Events such as Live Aid and Live 8 have been criticised for boosting publicity for the celebrities involved, while actually damaging the developing countries they are trying to help. (BTW, If Bono paid his taxes, he would already be contributing to the £7.8 billion Britain earmarked for foreign aid in 2010/11.) Western aid keeps its beneficiaries dependent on outside help, which in turn encourages shady governments.

At least she didn't say "Jump up and down if you want to feed an African!" 

Dambisa Moyo points out “A constant stream of "free" money is a perfect way to keep an inefficient or simply bad government in power. As aid flows in, there is nothing more for the government to do -- it doesn't need to raise taxes, and as long as it pays the army, it doesn't have to take account of its disgruntled citizens. No matter that its citizens are disenfranchised (as with no taxation there can be no representation). All the government really needs to do is to court and cater to its foreign donors to stay in power.”

Another side effect of big publicity drives is the overwhelmingly negative image we end up with. You would be forgiven for imagining the Africa you’ve seen on TV as one giant cesspool – when it's actually a beautiful, diverse and increasingly successful continent.

Also, a nation with a reputation for being unable to look after itself will suffer when no investors wish to risk money in it. Historically, no country has ever achieved prosperity by depending on open-ended commitments of aid to the degree that many African countries do.

There are success stories, but they are the ones that we have had no hand in; Botswana was poor back in 1966 when given independence by Britain, but now enjoys a standard of living “comparable to Argentina”. How?  By weaning itself off aid and backing enterprise.  

Another successful way to lend assistance has come through organisations such as The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation – providing vaccination against diseases doesn’t have to go though corrupt and inefficient governments.

So, how can we really help? 

Look out for this and accept no substitutes

We can start by buying fair trade: http://www.fairtrade.org.uk/ The website describes their mission to “address the injustices of conventional trade, which discriminates against the poorest, weakest producers. It enables them to improve their position and have more control over their lives.” Resulting in sustainable livelihoods for farmers, workers and their communities. What’s not to like?

All you have to do is look out for the Fairtrade logo when you’re shopping. If we choose to buy non-Fairtrade products, when an ethically produced alternative is available, we are essentially supporting a exploitative system.

I also like http://www.kiva.org/  which allows you to “lend” money to people across the globe who don’t have access to traditional banking systems.You can scan through their “catalogue” of “borrowers” – which is actually as fun and tempting as shopping. I want to give money to them ALL!

Loans are re-paid, so if you’re really tight, you can “help” without actually losing any money. (Nicer to re-invest it, though.) It’s cash directly to the people who need it, and it’s helping them to run their own businesses. Empowerment to the people!

Working for four days, what a way to make a living.....

The cold hard facts of life: Any job which penalises you for having 
big hair and a geordie accent ain't worth your time, sister.

Poor Cheryl Cole. While I'm somewhat loath to feel sorry for someone who is going to be paid the full, $2 million salary for the job she was fired from, the glee with which people are treating this news is just MEAN. No, Daily Mail, Cheryl Cole does not have “cankles.” (In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anything wrong with her appearance. Perhaps this is why you like to bitch about her every day? )

After being told that she had “lost her sparkle” (at least they didn’t mock her own catchphrase by referring to her absent “mojo”) apparently the execs are now saying she was never actually sacked, pointing out that an official comment has never been released. It seems this is how they plan to get out of paying her – when she doesn’t show up to work, they can claim she's in breach of contract. I think this tells you everything you will ever need to know about the inner psyche of the VIPs at Fox. 

Simon Cowell confirmed a while ago that Cheryl had the job. But then, I could have sworn that he publicly vowed that Kate Thornton would not lose her job as X Factor presenter, just before, er, firing her. 

So if it isn’t bad enough that her best buddy Simon has left her to the wolves, now her dastardly ex-husband is making a play for her. Haven’t we all had a friend who insists on going back to their loathsome scumbag ex? Unlucky Cheryl did her best to stay married (which must be a million times harder when playing out your relationship dramas in front of millions of people) but in the end Ashley’s general nastiness forced her to file for divorce. Now she’s floundering, it seems that Ashley is homing in on her like a vulture. 

But Cheryl, you can’t let a bad career moment set you back. Not when your manager is so clearly in love with you!

Look how cute they are together!

Ah yes, sweet little Will.i.am. The man who is on record as saying “I just still can't believe Cheryl was ever cheated on. I mean, what has to be going through your head to cheat on Cheryl?”

Actually, Will.i.am is such a dedicated mentor, he has rather a one-track mind....

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s beauty: “She's the most beautiful woman in the world. Once you have her, a man can't do any better. It's just crazy..... She ain't even the sort of girl that's out there flaunting it or anything like that, she's a real good girl.” 

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s value: “When you get a girl like that, you do everything you can to keep her, you don't go out fooling around. I'd move to London if it meant being with her. Cheryl's too nice to be cheated on."

Will.i.am on Cheryl’s down-to-earth personality: “On the one hand, she's growing into one of the biggest, most glamorous stars in the world; then on the other hand you can sit down with a bucket of KFC with her and just not stop laughing... People are going to be like: 'Wow, people that hot usually know they're that hot and walk about like they know it, but here's a girl who can go out without her make-up and still look great and is as happy eating a bargain bucket as she is eating in Beverly Hills'." 

(Actually, Will sounds like he might be somewhat of a bore on the subject of Cheryl. It’s kind of like people’s babies and ipods, you know? They’re cute and interesting and all, but after half an hour of hearing about their best features my eyes start to glaze over. Or, as I like to say, "go into screensaver mode".)

Finally, Will.i.am on his role in her life: 'I'm happy looking after her at the moment. She's a strong girl but everyone needs somebody to look out for them, and that kind of looks like it's my job.... After all she's been through, she needs rescuing. It's crazy the way she was treated and she knows I'm here whenever she needs me.”

And just to contrast, here's a quote from Ashley Cole, according to one of his many conquests:

"I don't need to wear a condom, because Chelsea give us check-ups."

Ew ew ew! 

For goodness sake Cheryl, get a clue and just marry Will.i.am already!